The Heart of the Day: Rethinking Your Wedding Ceremony
Posted in Industry News, Planning, Finance & Legal by Rev Alice
Why your vows — and the moment you say them — deserve just as much care as every other detail
When we speak about our ‘wedding’ we generally refer to the décor, the guests, the celebration and every little detail in between (and aren’t there oh-so-many details!). But the actual wedding is the act of marrying or the nuptial ceremony – a part which we often largely overlook.
When “the wedding” isn’t the wedding
Let’s be honest, we shouldn’t be surprised that this has become an obligation tick box required to get to the good stuff, when we’ve all been to so many cut-and-paste services with their recycled jokes. They can be so jarring against every other element of the day which so perfectly resonates with the couple.
Why so many ceremonies miss the mark
You don’t have to settle for that. Especially when the ceremony sets the mood for the whole day! There are marriage officiants who believe in the beauty that marriage brings to life, and who will get to know you well enough to create a personal service, which reflects who you are as a couple.
You don’t have to settle for generic
Even if you’re not able to find ‘the one’ when it comes to a marriage officiant, there are ways that you can make the service your own. One of those ways is through your vows. The promises that you are committing to live out for the rest of your lives.
VOWS: THE PROMISES THAT MATTER MOST
Writing personal vows can be a meaningful way to reflect on your relationship and the commitments you are making. Then making them during the ceremony can be an incredibly intimate moment.
Need help creating your wedding ceremony and vows? Sarah from Something True can help!
Why writing your own vows can be so meaningful
A few things to keep in mind if you’re going to each write your own vows. Discuss an approximate length. You don’t want to be caught off-guard at the front wishing that you’d written more than the thoughtful 6 lines in front of you, when your spouse rattles off 100 promises! Get a third person to read over them both beforehand and make sure that you’re at least both on track with your expectations!
An exception to this is if one of you is notoriously known for composing essays and the other is a person of few words. In that case, if you’re expecting a difference in length, “because that’s who you two are”, there’s nothing to be ashamed of; it’s your wedding and it should reflect you!
Writing vows together: A different (and beautiful) approach
Another way to go about this is to set some time aside to write your vows together. A great date night idea where you can dream of what a good and healthy marriage requires. Some worry about repeating them twice and it being boring for guests. But with traditional vows, you’d say the same ones to each other and no one thought that was too much, and anyway, guests hearing them again will get a chance to for them to really soak them in!
When wedding admin becomes a little overwhelming, doing this together can be a reminder of the joy of the marriage that comes after — the whole reason you’re tying the knot!
Remember: this is not a speech
The next thing is to remember that this is not a speech! That is saved for later. While you might mention a few aspects from the past or your relationship, the focus of the vows is on what you are promising to live out in your marriage.
So rather than a step-by-step account of your dating history, we want to know what it is that you’re going to do from this day forward!
A small detail that adds weight
Whilst not vital, I always think it’s lovely to use your whole names at this point in the service. It’s the only part other than the legal questions where they’re used and can often bring a sense of intentionality and sacredness to the vows.
When traditional vows are exactly right
Some couples might read all of this and think, ‘there’s no way we’re writing our own vows’ for a million valid reasons and that’s ok. The traditional vows have been passed down through the generations because there is great depth to them.
Through different seasons in my own marriage, these lines have often been brought to mind;
to have and to hold
from this day forward
for better or for worse,
for richer, for poorer,
in sickness and in health,
to love and to cherish,
till death do us part…
They do capture the seasons of life so well, and assure us of our commitment through it all!
And another perk of using these old-faithful lines is that years down the road when you are at someone else’s wedding and you hear those words, you might share a sneaky hand squeeze with your significant other, as you’re reminded of the moment and vows that you made at your own wedding.
There are many different ways to personalise the actual wedding — vows is one of them. Don’t shy away from giving this part of the overall wedding celebration the love it deserves!
If you’re looking for a KZN marriage officer who will make your wedding service truly special, I’d be honoured to be part of your journey.